Beauty

Scene: Me, putting on mascara.
M(6): Mom, you look beautiful.
Me: Wow, thanks.
M(6): Like kinda Halloween-ish.

Good grief. Maybe it's the new eyelash curler...

Obscene Defined

December 18. Target. New items spotted in Girls' Clothing.

VALENTINES' DAY CLOTHES.

Now, that's just plain wrong.

And obscene.

Me so freaky

Scene: Walking out of Sam's Club, with Z (4) holding the receipt on which has been drawn an odd-looking googly-eyed smiley face
Z: This is strange.
Me: Looks kind of freaky, huh?
Z: Yeah, it's not me. It's you.

Black Friday Recap

Up at 3. Showered. Hot chocolate machine is busted so just hit the road at 3:25. Did 90 mph on the 405 freeway because it was my private driveway and I could. Boston Pops (Arthur Fieldler) playing "Sleigh Ride" on 103.5 woke me up. Then they played Aiken's "O Holy Night" and messed with my groove.

Arrived at Kohl's. 4 years ago there were 4 of us at the doors. There were hundreds -- hundreds -- of people there, including a very pregnant woman in front of me in a wheelchair so she wouldn't go into labor. Hello??? Got 2 things, checked out and bailed fast. People were buying such random stuff...why buy slippers that are on sale until 1 p.m. at 4 a.m.? I don't get it.

Went to WalMart next. Twice as many people in line as last year. Very organized and efficient. No rushing, grabbing or pushing but A LOT of people -- too many. Just bought basics that were a steal (pjs, jeans for kids, sweatshirts) and left.

Hot chocolate and a donut. A big hot chocolate. Big donut too. Good times.

Home Depot: 99 cent poinsettias that are big and gorgeous. No crowds, no rush. But everyone there was buying flatfulls of poinsettias. Smart people.

Target: Again, twice the people in line. Met some nice gals and chatted with them for 45 minutes. Plenty of stock. Very organized. Bought -- well, can't remember what I bought. Must have been important.

The rest of the morning: Walgreens for 2fer webkinz, back to Kohls to get some clothes, Disney Store to do some shopping for my sister.

Returned home with a full car and a smokin' wallet. Another successful -- but crazy crowded -- year.

Black Friday Mania

Because you asked, I hereby deliver my few tips and tricks for Black Friday. I know I am regarded by some as absolutely crazy. Maybe so…but crazy ain’t boring. So here goes.

1. You can search the ads now on numerous websites. I like to start on fatwallet.com. There is a Black Friday forum and you can link to adscans on several Black Friday sites. But don’t preplan too much from the websites. Half the fun is formulating a plan on Thanksgiving Day.
2. On Wednesday, make calls to confirm stores will price match. Later in the day, call again to confirm, just to make sure the first person wasn't nuts. Get names.
3. On Thursday, call your credit card company to tell them you will be making purchases the next morning before dawn. I learned this the hard way – getting pulled aside at 5 a.m. to call my card company at customer service to verify security information then forgetting the name of my pet goldfish 5 years prior…and having to wake up my husband to ask the name of said goldfish. Dorothy. Oh yeah.
4. If you’re price matching, have your ads well organized and make sure you got the exact item in the ad to be matched. Organization will also reduce the risk of the person behind you in line to check-out bashing into your ankle.
5. If you can, get secret Santa assignments now. Your budget can go a long way for a needy person when you’re shopping on BF.
6. Keep in mind upcoming family birthdays and other incidentals. After BF, I’m usually done birthday shopping for nieces and nephews for the first half of the next year.
7. Sometimes, you can get BF early-bird/door-buster sales on-line starting at midnight. We did this last year at Circuit City, buying 2 flat screens online while people were standing in line in the cold in front of the store. Later in the day, I just waltzed (as opposed to a glide) in the store, watched their eyes pop out of their heads when I asked for the sale price, and took the last two flat screens that were laid aside for me in the warehouse. I did have to do quite a bit of convincing, but a thorough read of the ad supported that this was a legit thing to do.
8. If you’re doing BF in Utah, pray. I hear those people are stark-raving lunatics.
9. I don’t do Best Buy or Fry’s. Crazy people there too.
10. Remember to be patient and kind. Always say “Excuse me” when you run over someone’s foot with your cart.

I’ll post where I’m going on T-Day. Let me know if you’d like to come along.

I Get It

Took me awhile but I finally clued in:

My fourth full-time job, after laundress, maid and chauffeur, is Thomas Train Picker-Upper to a 4-year-old. Several times, I've picked up one particular train in the corner of the room.

The first couple times, I figured it was coincidence.

The third time... Dang if that isn't the same little sucker.

Fourth time....I'm going crazy...stark raving mad nuts crazy....serious swiss cheese of the brain crazy....Did I or did I not just pick up that thing yesterday?!

Fifth...What the sam hill....off all the nuisances....driving me crazy...this thing is possessed....let's see the name of this thing....OH!

It's the evil Diesel 10.

And he must be in Time Out.

Driving to Utah Music

As a kid, many a day were spent driving across the desert to and from Utah. In the days pre-Walkman (very pre-iPod), you didn't have many entertainment choices. You could (a) annoy siblings, (b) climb back and forth from the 2nd backseat to the 3rd backseat of the station wagon, (c) ask how much longer, (d) count cacti, (e) read or (f) annoy siblings.

(a) and (f) were popular choices. All of the aforesaid alternatives, however, were elected while listening to the limited alternatives on the radio.

So lay back, picture mile after glorious mile of cacti and listen to the sounds of the 70's and early 80's, driving through the desert style.

Nyquil

Owing to formerly sick kids, being tired and a throat tickle in crescendo, I took a shot of Nyquil last night then layed down on the couch to watch TV. I barely remember walking back to the couch. Forget about fingering the murderer on Law & Order; I can't even recall the murder and that happened before my medicinal cocktail. The next thing I know, I'm waking up on the couch and it's 6 a.m. I feel like gravity. A pile molded to the cushion. A walking lump of forehead and lung.

Rock Hard Abs

It occurred to me that the last time I had rock-hard abs was October 21, 2004, during labor.

Deleted

Smoothies

There is a new food trend out there that completely baffles my mind....which, I grant you, is not hard to do. If I have this correct, otherwise sane-minded individuals mix frozen fruit, bananas and other unfortunate healthy products to create a smoothie. But here is the kicker. They also put in spinach. I hear your gasp already. Yes, SPINACH -- the stuff that a President of the United States banned from the White House; the stuff that a whole cartoon was created to mindwash kids into eating; the stuff that they actually freeze into bricks. Apparently, a blender is needed to do what masticating (gross sounding word) cannot -- namely, break the spinach cell wall allowing for more effective bodily absorption of nutrients. Are you laughing YET? Who thought of this stuff? Wait, lemme guess -- they sell a special smoothie blender, right? For $300 plus, right?

Folks in WWII time had a simple edict: Praise the Lord, Pass the Ammunition.
Here's mine: Bring on the Chocolate; Pass the Diet Coke.

Zach's Wit and Wisdom -- Part I

Location: Back of the minivan. Zach in his carseat and the rest of the seats are taken up by the divas and friends.
Scene: Mik is explaining how she didn't go to preschool but had "Grandma" school, one-on-one with my mom.
Mik: So it was just me and grandma. It was like a colonial tutor.
Zach: Tutor! [laughing hysterically] Tooter...that's funny.

If you don't get that, you don't have a little boy.

Confessions -- Part I

I have a Webkinz -- a black lab named "Lulu." I also have over 11,000 kinzcash; therefore, I clearly play on my Webkinz account. Whew, that feels liberating.

It all started earlier in the year when my daughter received two said animals for birthday gifts. One of the moms said that she played on her kids' accounts to earn them "kinzcash" (Webkinz money) so that when her kids returned home from school, they would be excited to be able to buy virtual stuff and she would, in turn, be the mother of the year. First, she so lied. Second, I am already mother of the year and have the macaroni necklace and orange shirt to prove it. But I digress.

Here is the lie: She plays on Webkinz because she can't help herself. It isn't about the kinzcash and it isn't about bringing joy and fulfillment to her children or, by extension, to the virtual frogs and persian cats frolicking in their virtual homes. She plays on Webkinz because it's just plain fun. So when the kids want to use the computer and she's on her 20th round of triple-stack solitaire ostensibly to earn them beaucoup d'argent virtuale, she's just trying to beat her high score.

The fringe benefit to this arrangement is that I am the coolest aunt on the planet. I can use my kinzcash to send cool virtual gifts to my kids, nieces and nephews. OK, so sometimes I send them virtual broccoli, but it's all in good fun.

Some of you out there are also closet Webkinz fans. What's yours -- a white poodle named "Fluffy?" A basset hound named "Buster?" How about an elephant named "Gipper?" OK, so my kids didn't go for that one, but a Reaganite can dream...

See you on Webkinz.

Bring on the wrinkles

In honor of my birthday, with apologies to those who already know this story.

Summer, 2006.
Location: Seagull Book, Provo, Utah.
Setting: Cash Register.
Cashier, male: "So what are you doing in town?"
Me: I'm here for a family reunion.
Cashier: Oh, I thought you were dropping off a kid at BYU.
Me: Do I look old enough to have a kid at BYU?
Cashier: We've been getting a lot of people in here dropping off kids at school.
Me: But do I LOOK like I could have a kid at BYU?

Later, telling my husband this story:
G: Well, if you do the math, we could have a child at BYU.
S: But do I LOOK like I could have a kid at BYU?